Hidden Heart: Screaming and Crying
by Elvin Magi
Summary: Allen can't scream- it just doesn't work at portraying his emotion. As for crying, he swore he would not cry in front of Kanda, who never cried, let alone honestly screamed. Or so Allen thought. Yullen, thus Yaoi.


_Cry because there's nothing you can do  
Cry because that's just the way it is  
Cry because life just isn't fair  
Cry because you know that nothing's true_

_Cry because you can't stop time  
Cry because you can't turn back  
Cry because the sand keeps falling  
and the hourglass will not crack_

Screaming wasn't enough. It never was. Whether it was in anger, fear, sadness, pain or pleasure, it never properly released the emotion. People who thought it did had to be stupid. Or maybe Allen's the stupid one; seriously, how hard could it be to know how to properly scream? Apparently pretty damn hard for Allen.

Allen had seen people scream. Allen had screamed before- many times. It just didn't seem to work.

In a way, Allen envied everyone else- they knew how to scream, when to cry. Like Lavi- the only times Allen could recall hearing about Lavi crying were when Lenalee was returned to the ship by (now dead) Chomesuke, and those had been tears of happiness! And there was the fact that Allen couldn't recall any occurrences of him screaming. Then, there was Lenalee, who cried perhaps too much and screamed often. But it worked for her, it seemed to release and ease her emotions, and that was more than Allen could say. As for the other exorcists, Allen had never heard of Marie crying or screaming, but he had the feeling that Marie was the person who would willingly do so when the time was right. Timothy was just a child with the burden of being an exorcist, and for Krory and Miranda, that was who they were, so those three could scream and cry and it was all right.

For Allen, crying didn't happen much anymore. He had sworn to himself that after the ghost of Martel, he would try not cry. He would be strong. He hadn't completed succeeded in avoiding tears, but tears would no longer be shed in front of Kanda at the very least; Kanda, who never cried, never truly screamed.

Or so Allen thought.

How was Allen supposed to know that Kanda actually cried? No matter that it looked so beautiful, so right, so perfect, Kanda crying was horribly shocking. Kanda had to be lying now. No way was Allen supposed to believe that Kanda had made a pact with himself- to never scream yet allow himself to cry. Allen would NOT believe that crying used to make Kanda look like shit (as if, Kanda, shit? no way) and the only reason he looked fine now was that he cried enough for his body to get used to it.

Bullcrap.

Not true.

No way.

As if.

Definitely not.

No.

And no bloody way was Allen going to be convinced by the pained, honest expression in Kanda's eyes.

That wasn't-- no... wait... impossible... this was not happening...

No, no, no.

Nonononono!

Kanda was NOT smiling at Allen through his tears. Kanda was not putting forth a genuine smile from behind the rainstorm on his face.

Nuh-uh.

Not...

Maybe this wasn't real. Maybe this was a hallucination. That would explain things. Allen was insane.

Damn.

That was not reassuring.

A Noah _and_ insane? Lovely. Even if this was his mind, this was wrong. Allen could not bear seeing _this _Kanda. It was wrong.

And... oh God... maybe Allen should stop thinking now.

Smart idea.

Yeah... just... Damn.

Allen's bloody mind would NOT shut up. Shit. Kanda's mouth had sent it into overdrive. Double-damn. But it was... well... warm and soft and moist and gentle and the opposite of Kanda's outer personality. Even in the depths of his eyes, there never was a hint that Kanda could be like _this_. And just a bit salty... from those tears, those heart-wrenching tears.

Then when Kanda's lips pulled away Allen's damn mouth had to make like his brain and not _shut up_. Asking everything, blabbering about what Kanda was doing, what he meant by that, was he serious, what the hell, etc. And when Kanda finally shut the damned mouth up (thank God), it still wasn't satisfied. No, his mouth just _had_ to be demanding and desperately desire something a little more than just chaste lips on lips... Shit. Kanda had to be a mind reader... and oh God... that was not a bad thing.

When they pulled away once again, three words slipped past Kanda's lips. Three words said so often shallowly and so rarely meant. And Allen could tell Kanda was one of the few who honestly felt that way and knew how deep those words went and still had the courage to utter them. It scared him but Allen found himself repeating those words, meaning them just as much, and understanding that Kanda knew, that the two would never need words to explain their deepest emotions.

As lips met lips again, Allen's mind and mouth yielded, no longer desiring more but savoring what they had. They stopped thinking and demanding and desiring and stepped aside, finally letting a part of Allen that had been hidden so long that he had forgot the deepest stirrings of it. Finally his heart took over and emotions joined to shield the two exorcists, so that they would never have to ever scream or cry again.

**Author's Note:**

I added my bits of poetry to the beginning, what do you think? And they, amazingly, were not written specifically for this story... or even Yullen or DGM. I just randomly wrote them one day... and they fit... really well... so there they are.

Thanx to **kokoro () **who didn't sign in, the review really helped in figuring out how to make it clearer... still not very clear, but... well, its much better.

I was trying to test a slightly different style… which didn't work… I still might end up deleting it… at the very least I'm going to edit it (again), maybe have a friend beta it with some changing of names (not sure if she's a yaoi person and she's a bit naïve… I don't really want to get her into DGM because she gets really emotional and it'll upset her). What do _you_ think? *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*

No?

*cough* review *cough* _Please_? They make me happy… and… correction for my quote from _Only Them (Forget)_: "Reviews and Yullen make the world go round."


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